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It is warm out in the NYC and the booze if flowing readily in the streets. If you have a friend too lazy to have fun because they forgot what it is really all about, feel free to copy and print this list.
It is mandatory you attend happy hour today if you can identify with any of the following.
1.You have spent the entire winter counting calories, exercising religiously and earning your pilates black belt. This will be your chance to show off that perfectly shaped body and wear that awesome “slut-fit” you picked up wherever. You can finally get to the top of that fitness roller coaster you love to ride and enjoy the real fun part…the ride back down to the bottom.
2. You have spent the entire winter binge drinking, eating take out and perfecting your short game on the Nintendo Wii. The productivity Tape worm that is your inner sloth will finally be flushed down the toilet in a deluge of red bull, borrowed cigarettes “because you quit” and droppable vodka. Your sun repellent skin will start it’s long journey back from “canned cabbage” green to that healthy looking “blood shot all over” pale you customarily fashion in the summer months
3. You have recently completed a “memorial day weekend boot camp” over the last two weeks consisting of bone thinning - trimspa lunches, aquafina dinners, and marathon elliptical sessions followed by cigarettes, dizziness and tanning sessions. Thursdays are the perfect opportunity to show off your newly clear teeth and stunning removable tan.
4. You like to get shit faced hammered with strangers or you are just really creepy and are tired of hanging out at starbucks.
5. Need a self esteem boost after a winter spent “hangin” with a newly acquired 2007 “Labor day weekend/New Years Eve STD”
6. Hate any of the people you have recently happenstanced upon and would finally like to nail down a time and place they will be to exact revenge upon their person, new boy/girlfriend or just think that you can do enough damage to their self esteem in one tantrum that there is no shot of anyone getting back in there good graces.
7. Love pissing in in the streets or three feet away from the urinal and cant muster the courage to do it at work.
8. Believe: that your company would be crippled and go under if you left, that you are smarter than your boss, that you could make so much more money at another job, people have already forgotten what you did at the christmas party, that your ex will love you again one day, that “shit just isn’t as fun anymore” or that you will really start cutting back on the partying this year and “focusing on starting a hobby”
9. Hate your current significant other and need to get the ball rolling on a breakup before their summer birthday/the next bachelor party.
10. Who gives a shit, tip em up!.