Throwback Monday

Hope everyone is having a great start to the week.  I took a minute to stop and think about how integral technology has become within modern life these days.  I thought back to my first game of Nintendo Baseball and the rage I would feel when the Duck Hunt dog would talk shit after I missed shooting down an erratic flying duck that was obvious high on meth.  I remembered my first game of teeball and my first game winning basketball shot.  I started to remember more and more of these great experiences in life that have slowly melted in to the background of the current day…and how far from those days I felt.  I started to cruise around YouTube to find a “I love the 80’s” type video that could really sum up the generation Y male childhood I had. 

Needless to say, I nailed it.  Please kick up your feet, and get ready to remember the good old days of youth.  You’re welcome!

NYC CHICK DIARY #2

Reading someone’s diary is intriguing enough….but reading this chicks diary was like diving in to a ball pit at chucky cheese….It’s fun to poke around and shit…but you know people have pissed all over the place and defiled every inch it. This entry includes the following “Friend Hating, Weight Whining, Hand Jobs and Cab Stench”

June 20, 2006
Totally having a 180 degree week from last! First off..I completely lost 3 pounds since last monday! I have dedicated myself to complete bikini body overdrive in hopes of stunnin while im sunnin at Jeannie’s summer place out in the HAMPTONS in two weeks. I ran 1.5 miles yesterday and had absolutely no carbs the whole day! Pam at work has been kind of annoying with the diet advice. I mean I know I asked for her advice on the whole south beach thing…but to email me links for her random nutrition facts…uh hello…you look fat to begin with! Don’t send me all your crap because you feel like are on the same level of needing to shed a few. Ugh and she wears tacky shoes and bedazzled belts! Anyway, the diet is proceeding awesomely…the pre-tan is starting to get golden…and my waxing appointment is in three days! Slim Tan and Smoooooth!
Also on the boy front, I am goin to grab a drink tomorrow with this boy that works for a HEDGE FUND! We met at Claires friends rooftop party a week ago and he totally giving me good vibes. He seems sweet and cool…so we will see what happens.

June 23, 2006
I’m so embarassed I don’t even want to write this down! Ugh! So last night turned out to be a completely horrible experience. I met up with Justin at an outside bar at midtown , which was annoying to begin with! Going across town away from work/home was something I should have shot down from the beginning! We didn’t even eat anything…he gave me some excuse about a big lunch and just wanting to have a few drinks and not stay out late. So I had limited myself to one “flirtini” before I got there…but got a little tipsy quick and p.s. we wound up having like 4 drinks. Completely stupidly of me, we went to his apartment like in the middle of nowhere on the east side in some dumpy walk up. We actually were laughing and having fun and started to hook up a bit until he started to make the move! I absolutely was not going to have the current pre waxing “situation” revealed..so used the old period excuse. He was a really like passively persistant and he said he liked my hair…so I kind of finally gave in and decided I would give him one of my worldclass handjobs. So I had some hand moisturizer and was doing the deed..but was taking forever! So we awkwardly started talking and stopped kissing as I continued to go at it. I was going to stop because I was getting self conscious about the warts on my thumb again..and then completely with no warning, he completely shot himself all over my jeans and blouse disgustingly and got me in the hair! And he started laughing!!! ASsSHOLE! So embarassed and awkward, I felt like i was going to start to cry so I grabbed my stuff to bolt out of the apartment. His stupid front door didnt even have a turn lock from the inside…you needed a key from both sides…so now crying and having tried to run away already..I had to go back in to his room and ask him to let me out. Completely crying now I hailed a cab and started back towards the west side only to have the cab driver ask if I had puked in the back seat! A CAB DRIVER WAS DISGUSTED BY THE SMELL OF MY NOW SOAKED CLOTHES! Ugh. I have yet to tell anyone and am completely pissed at myself for it. You live and you learn I guess.

NYC CHICK DIARY

WILL BE UPDATED WEEKLY!

*NEW FEATURE*!!!!! NYC CHICK DIARY!!! #1

I came to see the apartment I am now living in….. and when I was looking at the apartment the two previous tenants…… some girls in there mid 20’s… were living in the place I chatted them up… and as a result of my inability to not appease hot girIs….. I wound up promising to help them move out. I half assed the move out enough to get my friend FISH laid…and called it quits when margaritas became more important than clearing out the place. As a result of my sloth, a desk was left refugee in one of the bedrooms. Right about the time I was going to turn it in to rubble..i happenstance upon a treasure pot of golden greatness. I’ll give you a hint what it was. It had flowers on the front, was filled with slutty stories and had the grammar skills of a sofabed. So being as these items were left behind and now my property, I figured I would appeal to women on the Zinggg by letting them see what those in their peer group were thinking and feeling. That….. and this bitch was a total fucking train wreck… and after reading these pages, I can only imagine her vagina to be somewhat of a cross between Amy Winehouse’s armpits and a stale piece of pita bread. That being said, I will publish entries as they were entered in the journal…in it’s entirety. Not now…slowly each week.

…much like this bitch boned much of nyc.

JUNE 11, 2006

So, I’ve decided to keep a journal of all the things that have been happening in my life since moving to New York! After re-watching the whole season of the show this weekend…I’ve decided it is the best way to remember the exquisite details of this experience. It will be a place where I am brutually honest with myself….a “training” ground for the type of truth talking woman I want to be. No more avoiding the obvious, no more hiding from problems…this is going to be the year of the take charge girl from Iowa that can make it in the city!

JUNE 18, 2006
Entry number 2! I’m going to stick with it!

Soooooooooooo…on a low note, I was holed up again inside this weekend while I let this annoying herp on my face scab up. Though i ate much less ice cream and spent less time picking at my face this time t, it is still really annoying. I missed a BBQ in the HAMPTONS!!! Oh well, better to be missed than gawked at right? Everyone gets them I and it wasn’t that noticable since it started “gleaming” on tuesday…i’m still a 10!

So work is going pretty well. Still the first month…but after stumbling a few times since i’ve been here…i’m focused and ready to do this. I finally mentally put sleeping with my new roomates ex boyfriend (paul?) behind me and have focused myself on my career and decided that the old me, me from April…the “sorority girl” was gone. This is the new “professional” me. I’m going to go to the gym 4 times a week, not drink as much alcohol, eat almost all organic foods, work on my POETRY!…and absolutely stop myself from hooking up with guys that don’t want to get married to me…or atleast TRY! :). I have set the bar high for myself, and I am going to make sure that I surround myself with people that expect the same of themselves. This city is full of super cuties and I know there are a few winners out there.

Checklist
1. New me
2. Find husband
3. Be fabulous

Watch out world!

Demon Boner

1: lovah
1: i’m leaving
2: WANT TO SUSHI IT?
2: cant you cancel on claire
2: say something came up?
1: thats tempting..
2: but
1: why you wanna eat right away
2: i can wait
2: I GUESS
2: until 830
2: at which time I will meet you at amber
1: ok.. lets do that.. i’ll tell her i have to leave early
1: and I’ll make sure that I am able to meet with you around 8:30 (i’ll try for earlier)
1: does that work?
2: that works
1: i’ll call you as i’m leaving
2: i want you to imagine one thing
2: until you see me
2: first imagine me standing
2: straight up
2: my my arms at my sides
2: you are looking at me from the side
2: so you can see my profile
2: next , envision me turning 45 degrees to the right, so that you can see my front and face
2: now i am making fists and curling my fists inward
2: i move them a foot in front of my body and up to about mid abdomen level
2: knuckles of the fists facing in
2: now I bend my knees
2: and lean my body slightly back
2: but at the same time lean my head forward
2: I rotate my head to directly look at you
2: and have my tongue hanging out
2: and my eyes wide open
2: and i am naked with a gigantic erection
2: thats all you baby
1: haha
1: wow
2: you’re welcome

Screw the Pooch

1: My boy won a small award at tribeca film fest and had this jam last night —- really, going out on the weekends in manhattan is for wussies, tourists and invalids
2: agreed
2: i do all my partying on tuesday mornings
2: when the clubs are only for celebs and snarky web types
1: the women at this thing were f-ing amazing and soooo trendily easy - this is a first - i wound up doing a little hanky panky on a forklift across the street from the place
1: I’m sure you’re wearing your best adidas pants
1: and sans shirt
2: abso
2: with waterproof spray tan
2: did you drop her off at the tunnel or the qboro bridge at the end of the evening?
1: nah man, this chick was real deal - lived in a loft just west of g’macy park — loaded
2: excellent
1: I was going to propose marriage on the spot - but I have to get an AK47 and a trip to africa to get the diamond
2: conflict diamonds…so hot right now
2: pull the real baller move and kidnap a pedigree puggle
1: ohhh that’s good
2: give it to her and tell her it reps the foundation of your love
2: pure breed
2: adorable
2: and expensive
1: very expensive
1: perfect idea though
1: I can jack one right out of thompkins square
1: I see them all the time
1: i can see it now - unidentifiable madman in thompkins sq park has kidnapped 3 third generation purebreed puggles - gives as gifts to manhattanite wealthy women or holds ransom for safari to steal diamond
2: never saw a better example of a win-win

HoJo

1:You down for beer garden and mets game saturday
1:shit sits to get shitfaced?
2: hahaha - i didn’t call becuase i had couth it was 12
2:i figured you were sleeping or going to sleep
2:beer garden perhaps, no mets game, i am going to one monday night and being that I am not really a met fan, that is two too many mets games
1: understood, I can understand it is a bit unnerving to see a quality team play in the same city your group of juice head hasbeens plays in
1: esp when they are paid 60% their compatriots
1: and they display strong signs of heterosexuality
2: hahahahaa
1: unlike their pinstrip brothers
2: that is laughable
1: laughable to someone that openly eroticizes the rear view of A.Rod, DJet and J Damon
1: or as you often refer to them
1: “the in-my-dreams” team
2: never j damon
2: never
1: Do you ask the bobble head dolls dirty questions?
1: then give the desk a slight shot
1: so they slowly nod yes?
1: no answer?
1: thought so
1: jig is up
2: hahahaha
2: you do that too?
1: just accept it
1: Zinggg
1: and no….my HoJo bobble head doll never answers my questions

Livers pump it up. Thirsday

http://arnoldmaster.ytmnd.com/

http://ualuealuealeualemirror.ytmnd.com/

It is warm out in the NYC and the booze if flowing readily in the streets.  If you have a friend too lazy to have fun because they forgot what it is really all about, feel free to copy and print this list.

It is mandatory you attend happy hour today if you can identify with any of the following.
1.You have spent the entire winter counting calories, exercising religiously and earning your pilates black belt.  This will be your chance to show off that perfectly shaped body and wear that awesome “slut-fit” you picked up wherever.  You can finally get to the top of that fitness roller coaster you love to ride and enjoy the real fun part…the ride back down to the bottom.

2. You have spent the entire winter binge drinking, eating take out and perfecting your short game on the Nintendo Wii.  The productivity Tape worm that is your inner sloth will finally be flushed down the toilet in a deluge of red bull, borrowed cigarettes “because you quit” and droppable vodka.  Your sun repellent skin will start it’s long journey back from “canned cabbage” green to that healthy looking “blood shot all over” pale you customarily fashion in the summer months

3. You have recently completed a “memorial day weekend boot camp” over the last two weeks consisting of bone thinning - trimspa lunches, aquafina dinners,  and marathon elliptical sessions followed by cigarettes, dizziness and tanning sessions.  Thursdays are the perfect opportunity to show off your newly clear teeth and stunning removable tan.

4. You like to get shit faced hammered with strangers or you are just really creepy and are tired of hanging out at starbucks.

5. Need a self esteem boost after a winter spent “hangin” with a newly acquired 2007 “Labor day weekend/New Years Eve STD”

6. Hate any of the people you have recently happenstanced upon  and would finally like to nail down a time and place they will be to exact revenge upon their person, new boy/girlfriend or just think that you can do enough damage to their self esteem in one tantrum that there is no shot of anyone getting back in there good graces.

7. Love pissing in in the streets or three feet away from the urinal and cant muster the courage to do it at work.

8. Believe: that your company would be crippled and go under if you left, that you are smarter than your boss, that you could make so much more money at another job, people have already forgotten what you did at the christmas party, that your ex will love you again one day, that “shit just isn’t as fun anymore” or that you will really start cutting back on the partying this year and “focusing on starting a hobby”

9. Hate your current significant other and need to get the ball rolling on a breakup before their summer birthday/the next bachelor party.

10. Who gives a shit, tip em up!.

1) Flip it , 2) Puke

1: have you ever turned your keyboard upside down and shook it?  It’s disturbing.
2: ya, its actually really fucking gross
2: i found a fingernail once
2: and I know im not over here ripping off nails and burying them
1: not cool
1: not cool at all
2: what fell out of yours?
1: just a shitload of crumbs
1: hair
1: etc
2: and pubic hair?
1: no, luckily
2: that makes one of us
1: not cool
1: not cool at all

Counterstrike

1: bro
1: brofjorden
1: esq.
1: jr
1: the IV
1: of gaysingham
1: you there?
2: what do you want?
1: just wanted to give you another head start
1: seems like the trail is hot again
1: http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/05/06/interpol.pedophile/index.html?eref=rss_latest
2: youre an asshole. but thanks.
1: hey man, just wanted to make sure the rent was paid before you were on a plane to mexico
1: great pic, you look distinguished
2: and pale
2: got a boxy block head and big five head
2: maybe a distant cousin of yours
1: touche